Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
