A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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