I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
