I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Randomize
