Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I love having hate sex.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
