the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
