I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
