his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
