god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
