no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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