oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
