Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
