I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
