It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
