you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
