hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
