eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
