just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
