I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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