They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i drank out of a bidet.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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