I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
