who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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