theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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