Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
