watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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