i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
