Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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