If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
