I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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