Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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