my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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