i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
