I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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