I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize