gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
