I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
