Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
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