omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
