Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
now i know why i became what i already was.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
