I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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