How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize