i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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