How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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