she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I party with great urgency now.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
