my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
