the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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