ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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