just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
We smell like vodka and hangover
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