I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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