Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
