one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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