that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
