I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
That accounts for only three of the penises
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
