im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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