On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
