i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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