I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
