me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
