it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
