I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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