I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize