saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I bet he comes in French.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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